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By Tim Knight
To this day, I don’t know what I did to deserve this.
I got dumped via email. The relationship was in a rough patch, but the conversations up to this point had all led towards a reconciliation; we were working it out. And then one morning, THUD. That classless of all things, a break up EMAIL. With Bon mots like “I’ve lost all respect for you” and “i don’t know what I was thinking” and the penultimate “don’t ever contact me again”.
Now, I don’t know about you, but if things seem promising, and then turn 180 degrees on a dime, I’m just inquisitive enough to want to know why. Particularly when it comes to matters of the heart; call me a romantic. So, of course I emailed back, asking what happened.
In Canada, of someone states “don’t ever contact me again”, and you do, you are technically guilty of criminal harassment. Clearly she was aware of this, because that’s what I was charged with. I didn’t really need closure after that.
I hope I enjoyed whatever nefarious transgression I committed to deserve such ridiculous bullshit…but I suspect it’s just because she’s insane.
And she runs a moderately successful ad production house now. Be warned.
All I had to do was behave, put on a smile, and by the end of the night I’d be spooning with my lady, post wonderful sex. It seemed that easy, the relationship was going great. I even made it passed the ‘meet the parents test.’
Instead we are lying in bed and she can’t stop crying, thinking, wondering how much her friends think I’m a freak. “What was wrong with you tonight?” as she sniffles and refuses to let me touch her.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I just wasn’t myself, I felt so uncomfortable.”
And that is why I will always say the last episode of ‘Lost’ sucked. Actually it’s the only episode I ever saw. But the lady wanted a final episode ‘Lost’ party, where everyone dressed up like the characters. I should have been a good sport, but seeing everyone dress up like dirty island freaks, and my girlfriend as the fat long haired guy, I just sat in the corner and didn’t speak. I got real weird and uncomfortable.
“Oh why didn’t you just put on a happy face Matty? And Lost why did you have to suck so bad? You ended my relationship.”
He was younger and prettier than me. We were each others rebound. Maybe I would have fallen for him if he hadn’t had told me he was still sleeping with his ex…maybe. Then the crying started. He never told me why he was crying. He wrote me confusing bad poetry, followed me on his skateboard and cried. I felt like I had a sad pet. It was such a turn off. What was I supposed to do with this pretty crying boy? I broke it off because it seemed to cause him a lot of pain. About a month later he called me up to see if I wanted to go to his cottage with JUST HIM and JUST AS FRIENDS. He convinced me he was cool now and I hadn’t gone to a cottage all summer and it was already the end, so I went. Once we hit the no turning back part of the drive, the crying started. I felt like a hostage. I bought a bottle of whiskey at a gas station which I immediately chugged. We arrived at his cottage where his aunt, uncle, mother father, cousins, and grandma were also staying! I was horrified and proceeded to get shit faced. Over dinner I dropped the F-bomb like my life depended on it. I was loud and obnoxious. I wrote a song with his uncle, ran off to parties on strangers boats, and forced his cousin to take me dancing. I finally surrendered at 3am and went to sleep in a tiny tent as he cried beside me. I woke alone and realized that I had to face his family after my rampage if I ever wanted a cup of coffee. I opted for a swim in the lake instead. Luckily, his hot cousin sensed my desperate need for caffeine and rescued me with a cup. Apparently the family thought I was awesome. On the drive home, he admitted that he was always in love with me. Our paths continue to cross, but that trip marked the end of our relationship. He is a moderately known TV actor now.